Wedding Vows

I, groom, take you, bride, to be my lawfully wedded wife.   In spite of the fact that right now, here today, we are both the thinnest we will ever be.  And also I make these vows not because I think you are amazing but because I think you are the best that I could do, and I'm afraid of ending up alone like my dear old Aunt Tessy, so we'd better close the deal.  So I promise before God, our family, and our friends to hold you and cherish you within reason.  For richer or for poorer, so long as the standard deviation of our net worth represents no more than a twenty percent change over the course of a one-year period and no two consecutive years of loss.  In sickness and in health, so long as said sickness can be managed effectively with home-based care within the benefits provided by one job or both and with the hope of recovery within a timeframe that matches one month for every year of marriage and that our disability adjusted income falls within fifteen percent of our standard yearly income and involves no open pus-y sores of any kind, because I just can't do it. And for better or for worse, so long as worse never starts to feel like "not worth it" anymore.

thanks, chris.